He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Damn victory sex feels great
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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