Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
