youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We have started to decorate penises.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
