grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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