I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
