maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
