You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
