im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We left the knife in your bed.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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