Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
