I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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