shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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