I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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