This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize