I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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