meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
