did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
