Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
