I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
where are my eyebrows?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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