I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
