Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
