Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
