Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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