that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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