Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think i got beer on your cat.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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