last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
