You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
