i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
