im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
