I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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