I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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