The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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