So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
