I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
