i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
