She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
