just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize