I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
