I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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