wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
