You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
