I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
this hospital has no fireball
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
