i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
