We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
