I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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