His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
