Your face is a jimmy john
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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