at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
