I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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