i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
