New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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