i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
