why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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