RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
