I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
