there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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