Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This girl is more easily done than said...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
