So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
