Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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