my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I don't think brook has ever known best
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
