I'm so fucking centered right now
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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