He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
